August 1, 2015

It was any other morning on hospital bed rest. Actually, it was above average. I was brought in a really delicious breakfast sandwich that was making my pregnant taste buds extremely happy. After I gobbled that down, my nurses came and took my blood pressure, which was it's standard high. Then I tried to rest.

Even though it was Saturday and she was off, my doctor came around 11 am to see me (I adore her).  She said she would stop by on Monday and we would check and see if my cervix was dilated at all, then she left. Just a few minutes later she came back into the room, said that my protein test had just come back with a number of 500 (300 means preeclampsia and all my other results had been below 290). In a second everything changed. We were going to be having a baby that very day. Right away she came back in and checked my cervix - no dilation. Definitely time for a c-section.

In those moments I was overcome with adrenaline. It was 1130am and she said that we would be having him at 2pm. I called Matt, my mom, and his mom. The nurse told me to get into the shower and use this special scrub to cleanse my body really well before surgery. When I stepped into the shower, I broke down. I let the water run over me and I cried. I cried really, really hard. I was overcome with fear for my baby and for myself. I ugly cried out to Jesus for strength, peace, and protection.

I felt extremely weak and strong at the same time. Surgery? Me?! I'm going to be a mom today? I'm not ready yet. I need more time. No no no, he's too little. He's only 34 weeks and 1 day! More tears. More water ran over me in the shower. I know God heard my deepest cry out to him. From the depths of my soul I was crying out to him for strength.

I stepped out of the shower, dried off my body and was overcome with a new peace. Don't get me wrong, still scared, nervous, and apprehensive inside - but calm. I was then shaved, prepped, and dressed for surgery. Matt, my mom and his mom all arrived and I was ready. I looked lovely covered in blankets and a hair net and wheeled up to the OR. Matt looked so handsome in blue scrubs. Of course, they were too short for his long legs, but who cares.

I have to take a moment to explain how amazing the staff here have been to me. I haven't had a problem with ONE nurse, doctor, or anyone. What a blessing. This day was no different. My anesthesiologist made this surgery so easy on me. I leaned over the table while he gave me my spinal and it was painless. I remember how quickly my legs went numb. Heavy, my whole lower body. It's quite a sensation. He sat up by my head, stroked my face, have me oxygen and treated me like I was his own family member through my entire c-section. He was also encouraging to Matt. He told him when to stand to see the baby coming out, when to be ready. There were easily over 10 people in the OR including Matt and I. There was one nurse, Cecilia, who asked Matt for my phone so she could take pictures. They are amazing! Pictures of my son leaving my womb, my husband holding my hand, seeing Logan for the first time. How priceless. She didn't have to do that - but she did. Wow - what a blessing to be surrounded by people who were so genuine during such a scary and beautiful moment in my life.

I know I have typed this up so quickly it feels like a whirlwind. But that's exactly how it felt. One moment I was swollen and on bed rest wondering if I could make it through this journey. The next moment I am in recovery with a stapled stomach and an empty womb. My sweet baby boy was taken to NICU immediately after he was taken out of me and held to my face for a moment. He needed some help breathing. Matt went along with him. I was completely coherent through this entire experience. No nausea, no pain, no "out of it" feelings. I am so happy about that.

There are so many more little details I want to add. But there are almost too many. I am sitting here in Antepartum again, resting while I recover. My little boy is down the hall in NICU and I can walk down and see him anytime. The staff is still stellar. They are taking care of me and taking such good care of my boy.

I want to hold him. Part of my heart is definitely down the hall in NICU. God is good.

water weight

Today I am 33 weeks and 5 days into pregnancy. I am 8 weeks and 1 day into bed rest.

Today I spend in the hospital. Well, really I got here last night because my BP was high at the doctors visit yesterday and that along with a SIXTEEN lb weight gain in two weeks warranted an overnight stay in the hospital.

16 lbs in two weeks. That's over a lb a day in water that I have been retaining. The only way to combat this is to drink MORE water, which I have been chugging ever since I got here yesterday. And, it's worked! As of this morning I have lost 5 lbs so far. (You don't know it, but I am grinning right now about this.)

As you already know, I think bed rest sucks. Royally. But bedrest while gaining excessive weight is totally worse. And discouraging. And crappy!

In addition to my over night 5 lb weight loss, other good news... I think I'll be having a baby in like two weeks. Eek. It is exciting and absolutely freaking terrifying.

It's amazing to me that there is a baby inside of me right now that could survive outside of me. But he's still in me. It's creepy and wonderful, and wonderfully creepy, too.

 I am going to have a son in my arms in just a few weeks. A little tiny half me, half Matt. It's extremely intimidating and a life altering reality. What an honor.

tired.

7 weeks and 5 days into this bed rest pregnancy journey.

My back and my butt hurt. A lot. The baby has spent most of his time really high in my belly and definitely towards my front. But two days ago I noticed that I don't feel him as much when I push on my belly. About the same time, two days ago, I started having gnarly back pain on my right side. The little guy must be moving back towards my back more - how pleasant. My butt pain is like sciatic nerve pain - also very pleasant.

My medications make me sleepy. I love to sleep. However, for the first time in my life I am having a hard time getting comfortable and falling asleep.

Oh yeah, I'm pregnant.

Last night I got into bed at about 11pm and watched Netflix until I forgot about my back pain and finally fell asleep around 1. Then I slept in until 10am. This was lovely. Then Matt came home from overtime and we napped from 1:30-4pm. This was even more lovely! But now it's about 7pm and I am ready to go back to bed. Is this sleepiness 'just being pregnant' as everyone tells me? Or is it my medication mixed with the depression that comes along with bed rest? Or is it possible that along with my loss of muscle mass I am also losing all ( and I mean ALL ) of my energy?

I want to be enjoyable to be around. I want to have new things to talk about with my family members as they sit with me on the couch day in and day out. But my god, it's exhausting trying to pretend to have energy.

And I'm tired!

bed rest baby.

6 weeks and 5 days into bed rest. The kind of bed rest where you can get up, go to the bathroom, make yourself a bowl of cereal and sit your big pregnant butt back on the couch or lay in bed.

If one more person says to me, "I wish I could sit at home and watch Netflix all day..."
God help me.  I wish that I could:
Have a baby shower
Attend a 4th of July celebration
Go out to dinner for my birthday 
Walk around the block
Go to the grocery store

Don't get me wrong, Netflix is fabulous. I love Netflix. But one can only take so much Netflix, TV, books, Facebook day in and day out for 6 weeks and counting!

Yes, laying around on the couch is comfy... for a little while. Then your back starts to hurt. So you reposition, move around, add pillows. Then you start to ache somewhere else. But it's only 11am, I still have the rest of the day...!

Forgive me for complaining. I am large, uncomfortable, pregnant and down right bitchy.

And if you're wondering if, by chance through all my negative comments, do I see all the positives? I do.

My son is healthy. I get to feel him kick me all the time. He is thriving in my womb even though my high blood pressure environment isn't ideal. I have great friends and family support. My husband is so kick ass, really. He's the best at loving me through this, while I am surely hard to love all the time right now.

But still, bed rest sucks.